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Spoilt for Choice

status viatoris – being ‘on the way’/being in a state of pilgrimage

A friend commented the other day on the number of male admirers I was attracting in the village. And do you know what? She has a point.

It therefore begs the question; why oh why am I still single?

So let us for a moment consider all my options, and then perhaps you can help me choose between them.

Admirer A gives me flowers from his garden and declares that I am the air that he breathes and his ‘fiore di Primavera’. He enjoys walks with his dog, digging for potatoes, and chain-smoking. Admirer A is married and very much the wrong side of sixty.

Admirer B is tall and rather handsome. Apparently he likes me very very very much, or so he tells me every time we meet on the street; in broken Italian, because Admirer B is Albanian. He enjoys chain-smoking, and sitting outside the village bars for hours on end without ever ordering a drink. Admirer B is in his fifties, current marital status unknown.

Admirer C is also attractive, if a little roguish. He finds my ‘buxomness’ very favourable, and regularly remarks on parts of my anatomy that a more polite man would pretend not to notice. He enjoys drinking my wine, smoking fragrant substances and trying to embarrass me in public. Admirer C is acrimoniously divorced with two children, and a rather strange girlfriend who despite not living with him, regularly comes up to do his housework.

Admirer D used to be a long-distance lorry driver, and is now a mechanic. He thinks that I am very beautiful and would love to take me out for the evening on the back of his motorbike, or even just come to my house one night and share a bottle of wine. He enjoys motorbikes, motorbikes and motorbikes. Admirer D is older than my mother and boasts a broken nose the likes of which I have previously only seen on battered marble statues.

Admirer E is a blond, blue-eyed builder. He would like to ‘be my friend’ and come round to my house in the evenings to ‘do friend stuff’. He enjoys pursuing women who aren’t interested in him, smiling inanely and chain-smoking. Admirer E has a comb over, tobacco stained teeth and a wife plus three children back in Albania.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, which of these five promising fellows do you think I should take home to meet Mummy?

This is Status Viatoris, thinking about changing her perfume, or something, in Italy.

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25 Responses to “Spoilt for Choice”

  1. Gabriele Says:

    Spero che non prenderai per il verso sbagliato quel che scriverò, ma mi è parso che ogni ammiratore del quale hai sinora parlato possa essere considerato un…ehm…caso clinico, più interessante da un punto di vista zoologico che altro :asd:
    Credo che, qualora tu voglia trovare qualcuno, per avere un campionario almeno papabile per età e abitudini, tu debba cercare in un posto più popolato e affidarti ai grandi numeri 🙂

    Like

    • statusviatoris Says:

      Hahahahahaha! Ma hai ragione! In realtà non ho voglia trovare nessuno in questo momento; nonostante, sarebbe piacevole essere desiderata da un uomo normale ogni tanto!

      Like

  2. James Says:

    Ooh, it’s so difficult to say. Each one is a winner in their own special way.

    Well, a winner in their own minds, at least… Am I a bad person for reciting their descriptions in the manner of Cilla Black on Blind Date?

    Like

  3. an admirer Says:

    Don’t really know where to start, but it depends whether you want your Ma to ever speak to you again! They all sound irresistible to me, I would find it almost impossible to choose between D & E but I think the broken nose may have the edge on the comb over! Another thing in D’s favour is his numerous interests. Also has he discussed the size of his motorbike engine at all?

    Like

  4. Mrs F Says:

    Well. I am inclined towards the one that doesn’t chain smoke (or is this simply an omission?)

    Surely there are more eligible men for you to be lusted over by?

    Like

    • statusviatoris Says:

      The one that is older than my mother and who has a flat nose and a passion for motorbikes doesn’t smoke! As for all the eligible men, to attract their attention I may have to change my perfume, or something.

      Like

      • Mrs F Says:

        You could just, ahem, test drive each and establish if they’ll pass their MOT or not…

        Like

        • statusviatoris Says:

          What a good idea! May give A, D and E a miss though… 😉 Will let you know how it goes! (Oh! and how long it takes me to be drummed out of the village…)

          Like

  5. sabina Says:

    Uuh…I’d suggest to wait for admirer F. And you should definitely change that damned perfume….
    P.s. Once I had an admirer who told me: “It’s nice to stay with you because you are decorative!!”
    Well, just to let you know that you are not the only one to meet some of the best among the worst 🙂
    Ciao carissima!!!

    Like

    • statusviatoris Says:

      And if Admirer F never appears? What then?

      I’m not sure I have ever been described as decorative. Can’t say that I would mind though! (As long as other qualities had also been perceived, of course…!)

      Like

  6. Jonny Cobbler Says:

    It’s easy – which ones got the biggest bank account and encourage the smoking. Check the currency though, Indonesian Rupiah millionaires are quite common.

    Like

    • statusviatoris Says:

      That is surely a sound bit of advice, Mr Cobbler. It’s nice to find someone capable of cutting to the crux of the matter without raising silly questions of ‘love’, ‘compatibility’ or other such nonsense… 😉

      Like

  7. Fern Says:

    Oh my, SV – what an embarrassment of riches. I think Jonny Cobbler has the right idea. Maybe you could change villages?

    Like

  8. fly in the web Says:

    Take them all like a police line up, ask her to choose and have the smelling salts to hand.

    Like

  9. maman Says:

    Come home! All is forgiven!

    Like

  10. statusviatoris Says:

    Reblogged this on Status Viatoris and commented:

    Tired Old Tales for Tuesdays

    Like

  11. an admirer Says:

    I’ve become very suspicious in my old age – I wouldn’t touch any of them with a pointy stick!

    Like

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