status viatoris – being ‘on the way’/being in a state of pilgrimage
A friend commented the other day on the number of male admirers I was attracting in the village. And do you know what? She has a point.
It therefore begs the question; why oh why am I still single?
So let us for a moment consider all my options, and then perhaps you can help me choose between them.
Admirer A gives me flowers from his garden and declares that I am the air that he breathes and his ‘fiore di Primavera’. He enjoys walks with his dog, digging for potatoes, and chain-smoking. Admirer A is married and very much the wrong side of sixty.
Admirer B is tall and rather handsome. Apparently he likes me very very very much, or so he tells me every time we meet on the street; in broken Italian, because Admirer B is Albanian. He enjoys chain-smoking, and sitting outside the village bars for hours on end without ever ordering a drink. Admirer B is in his fifties, current marital status unknown.
Admirer C is also attractive, if a little roguish. He finds my ‘buxomness’ very favourable, and regularly remarks on parts of my anatomy that a more polite man would pretend not to notice. He enjoys drinking my wine, smoking fragrant substances and trying to embarrass me in public. Admirer C is acrimoniously divorced with two children, and a rather strange girlfriend who despite not living with him, regularly comes up to do his housework.
Admirer D used to be a long-distance lorry driver, and is now a mechanic. He thinks that I am very beautiful and would love to take me out for the evening on the back of his motorbike, or even just come to my house one night and share a bottle of wine. He enjoys motorbikes, motorbikes and motorbikes. Admirer D is older than my mother and boasts a broken nose the likes of which I have previously only seen on battered marble statues.
Admirer E is a blond, blue-eyed builder. He would like to ‘be my friend’ and come round to my house in the evenings to ‘do friend stuff’. He enjoys pursuing women who aren’t interested in him, smiling inanely and chain-smoking. Admirer E has a comb over, tobacco stained teeth and a wife plus three children back in Albania.
So, Ladies and Gentlemen, which of these five promising fellows do you think I should take home to meet Mummy?
This is Status Viatoris, thinking about changing her perfume, or something, in Italy.